leaving

i am moving ... virtually.
i will now on use wordpress
bye

test

Your result for The Brain Game Test ...
Disciplined Analyzer

62% Careful Thinker!

People who have a predominantly Left-brain Abstract thinking style thrive on careful analysis of all pertinent factors before making any decisions. Their style is naturally systematic and detail-oriented, characterized by the pursuit of logic, predictability and discipline. They may appear distant and aloof at times, as they prefer to listen rather than talk. They tend to stick to the rules and stay within the confines of their orderly world.

When holding conversations you may give more information than what people actually are looking for. However, you tend to be more introverted than extroverted. You prefer not to interact with groups of people if at all possible. You would like to steer more toward speaking about things that are intelligent and not emotionally oriented.

You tend to take things more seriously and tend to stick more to rules and guidelines. You have an innate ability to stay on task when doing a job.

People may find you to be a bit distant and aloof, but you may just tend to listen instead of talk as you are processing information that is being given to you before giving an opinion.

You tend to have

Publish Post

a lot of book knowledge, and may have an interest in science or history. People could benefit from your knowledge.

september... nice/horrific

the school has begun and the anxiety took over me for an hour or two. The paranoia is back too but at least i can control it by making my fears sound more irrational than they really are. Today unfortunately wasn't my day to be IN control. i don't know why it was so difficult to handle myself , i couldn't speak ,i couldn't relax , i was a mess.At one point i thought that i was going to cry, it was bizarre, even for me.
 i have to eat tomorrow  (this is a part of my passive to active program), it will be difficult.


tomorrow is a band new day ...let's hope for the best.

me, driving a car... what?

today was a wonderful day, filled with wonders.
 today i got my first driving lesson ,it was much more thrilling than i thought it would be. i thought that it would be like really dangerous but there was no accident caused by me. so i guess i did well.

the plan

School will begin for the 9th time for me and this time i have an escape plan : the event will be shorter to me because i will skip some parts of it. i live near the school and i will go near my school and sit on a bench and when i see the first group of people ,whose destination is school ,i will walk to school behind them. Then i am going to wait my class to arrive in front of the math classroom. if they ask questions about the absence of me, i would say that i forgot and that i just came here right away -this is my master plan.

I really hate the first days of school because they are awkward in essence and i can already feel the anxiety ,that never leaves, it just hides in my subconscious world and gives me the claustrophobic vibe ,when there are people ,who i used to know. i usually walk away in a fast tempo or hide.

i fell asleep and i was surrounded by all the 9th graders ,we are near the police station ,in front of us ,there is this river that in real life is as big as in my dream. There was a line and i was the next one to jump to the river, i said that i was not going to do that and they started talk like ''yeah ,we should of know''  but somehow i did it and i was happy: this was the weird dream i had one day ,i've had dreams like this for the whole summer.they bug me and i need an appointment to the madhouse but i can't because my doctor is on vacation.


 

fainting and weather

 it was 8am ,when my young, selfish brother began to annoy me with his naruto-related music. I opened my eyes and when my feet touched the ground ,the light showed itself to me and i fainted. when i opened my confused eyes and found myself on the ground with the stuff that couple of seconds ago were on the table. for several seconds before and after the fainting ,i felt how my skin was numb and tingly .After i was totally in control of my body , i felt a slight pain : the corner of my table scratched my back , so now there is a 10 cm long red line.
 i went to bed and started talking to myself about how evil my brother is (sometimes i'm amazed how easy it is).at the end of my monologue, dear brother of mine started to sing and i thought it would be nice of me to give him advice  after all the bad things i said about him.i opened my door to do  so and then the light hit me again... and my face met the floor again.

 hot  inferno

 Later this day i went to tartu , the word that would describe the whole "trip" would be ...ok : the weather was too hot for me ( i like the cold climate more ) and there were no wow-worthy clothes,only the boring ones . The weather got so hot that we want to get out of tartu.
  Soon we saw the sign that informed us that we are now in elva, the lake verevi caught my attention ,there were many people .I haven't been there for about 3 years and while passing the cars in the parking lot, i wished that summer was over and people won't go to the beach (Nothing happens unless first we dream.) .Before we arrived to our finale destination ,we went to a store near by. I wanted to stay in the car and i started reading a book , next to our car there was a kid ,who listened to the radio :reading and listening to the music was a bad combination ,especially ,when eminems new song started playing (love the way you lie ), the words were so bad/odd/dark and soon my parents showed up and with seconds we were home.
 Later that day i knew i tried to be outside because it was one of those days ,when there were no pair of eyes watching us ,when we play with our dog( sometimes bella runs away and then we scream and run like idiots)   .Sometimes it feels like we are some lame entertainment to to people ,who work at enics.sometimes they even talk to us but most of the time they just smoke or laugh. I was really happy that we were alone because it's such a rare occasion. liberty rules!!!
         one thing is sure -  this day belonged to the brown/red colored people.

ok

lately pop music has given me the feeling of puking and i feel how my brain is being fried ... now i am listening to classical music. it might seem as a crime among teens but it's like a therapy to my ears- sound therapy ...
i feel so much better.






http://www.brainleadersandlearners.com/multiple-intelligences/musical/the-brain-on-music/

can she talk?

I spent a week with my grandparents and my grandmother came to elva today .She said that people asked if i ever talk and go somewhere without a book in my hand.
 I heard from my mother that my granny said to her that i don't talk at all.

I can talk but i have nothing to say.That is something that an introvert ,(like me) can understand.

movies

the summer has been very long and i've seen some movies.

1. eclipse
2. interview with the vampire
3. across the universe
4. x-men
5. x-men2
6. evita
7. whip it
8. taking woodstock
9. youth in revolt
10. evita
11. valentine's day

100

published or not ,this it the 100th post i've written .

agony

my brother fractured a bone and now that i'm back home from an idyllic vacation ( i spent some quality time with my grandparents) and i hear my brainless brother cry ,when i look into those sad watery eyes, i feel his pain. What an agony !!!

test

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

5 - the Observer

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE (aka "The Thinker").

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be independent, not clingy.

• Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.

• I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.

• Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.

• Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.

• If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.

• don't come on like a bulldozer.

• Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.



What I Like About Being a FIVE

• standing back and viewing life objectively

• coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects

• my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure

• not being caught up in material possessions and status

• being calm in a crisis



What's Hard About Being a FIVE

• being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world

• feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all

• being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be

• watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally



FIVEs as Children Often

• spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on

• have a few special friends rather than many

• are very bright and curious and do well in school

• have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers

• watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information

• assume a poker face in order not to look afraid

• are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict

• feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected



FIVEs as Parents

• are often kind, perceptive, and devoted

• are sometimes authoritarian and demanding

• may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate

• may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele, The Enneagram Made Easy. Discover the 9 Types of People.

Harper: San Francisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test?   so   S P R E A D   I T !   tell everyone!!!

(copypaste the HTML-code from below to your profile or blog!)

please, leave a comment  HERE

you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...  ...even more you'll find in Google

_____________________


You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose BZ. Use the BACK-button of your browser to see the other options!

Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

scream

 i had an appointment with my psychologist yesterday, she advised me to act like i'm somebody else .
i can feel the anxiety taking over me, the only thing i can think about is tomorrow and how much i don't want to be there, to sit quietly and wait for my turn to sing in front of people.

hello tartu

i was in tartu today for 8 hours, it was quite nice to be in a city where there are so many stores to visit. I was in a cafe but the food wasn't good at all. Then i walked around and around and then i finally saw something interesting , a nice skirt ( the fashion trends are ridiculously freaky) , then i was looking for the nerdy-looking glasses but unfortunately didn't find them.i went to see shrek ,mhm ... it was ok and it did had a point but i would've enjoyed the horror movie more (the horrific and heart sickening possibilities are just feeding my imagination) . After the movie, i played cards with   jane and then we had to go but we made a stop near the hamburger stand, the burger was almost good but there was too much cheese (the noticeable and smellable melted cheese makes me sick), about 15 minutes after i ate the burger i wanted to throw up but i was in a moving car , i really didn't want to interrupt the driving home mission.

this isn't happening

I went to school at 10 am and it was quite nice , i compleated my little handwork ,it took only about 3 hours.
 After that i went on a long walk with jane ,we spent some time near the bridge but unfortunately there were  too many midges around us, so we decided to go further but the area was unknown for me, so i started panicing soon.
When we were lost we realised that there was a stalker and he didn't go away .The follower was very disgusting ( he was marking trees with his pee). I screamed at him but he stayed behind us.So ,after kilometres of paranoia , i had many theories that included murders and mythical creatures, i was upset because there were many pugs near me , i hate pugs.

 When we found our way back to the town that so much bored me ,i was quite pleased.After hours of stalking THE DOG stoped following us and we walked on to a cafe, the food was good and soon we ended up in the library , that's where i'm writing this letter from.

too much

 i thought that i would get away with with skipping couple of events but my little plans failed,miserably .So i had to do the hand-holding thing, that i hated and my blood was a tasty snack to several bugs, what a nice way to spend a sunny day ( hold for sarcasm).

  I saw, heared someone who played a part of my me picture, i found out that nothing had changed , i'm still the insecure girl i was a year ago, i can't believe that another year had gone by.Every time i see that person, my world is damaged for months, it's like i'm desperately trying to be somebody else that the person would notice how different i am. I really don't care about the person, i just have putten my past on his face.I'm always competing ,the sad part is that the person i'm competing against, is me , a better version of me.

 I don't understand why but i really like these people ,that know that i'm listening and they are talking about me : this gives me an opportunity to see myself the way they see me. I'm really not a fan of the people ,who say things behind my back, i know that they have something to say but they won't reveal their thoughts about me, they just boil and that makes me impatient .Sometimes when i see some of them , i treat them the way they do with me, every stare and grimace on my face is a mirror of theirs.

over

the school is over for me, at least for several months. I'm quite glad that the school is over and i actually have a plan what i want to do.I'm not going to go to school on next friday because i'm lazy and i really don't want to waste my time.
I also should act like a new personality i want to work on ,it would be best to describe as casalise. I imagine that she is quite ambitious, exciting and very much alive.I should really make her a bit friendlier because i need every ounce of naive i've got. This way i can actually make myself more better at so many things.
  Today ,while walking to school ,i had another paranoid-looking feeling , it was very upsetting: a guy sat and i was passing him but he looked at me and the first thought was that he was going to follow me .it's weird that i see stalkers everywhere, i imagine that aren't really many stalkers ,i just made it up that they are stalkers.
 My fascination with vampires is getting to real ,i used to have a dream but now it's like i'm making some things up ,like i was bitten by a vampire but i can't get that dream out of my head .i really need to see that shrink again.
 Vampiree diaries are getting in my head and i actually think that it holy ,like i think of twilght. I've most likely seen way too many horror movies, that would explain like mhm...everything.

utterly obsessed

i started watching a tv-show called vampire diaries ,at first i thought that it totally lame but with first minutes it changed, now i'm in love with it. Like twilight ,it is special and dear to me , i will most likely buy the books too.
 When i watch it ,i feel  like my heart is aching and when i'm not watching it ,i'm longing to watch it again and again.
 i watched an episode of it and i feel like i'm going to cry.
it's like a drug to me ,now that i'm aware of vampire diaries , i can't stop thinking about it.
i'm such an emo.

what a torture

The whole exam was quite nerve-racking : i had to wake up at 6.30, it's too early for me.Soon i had to go to school and then the exam started. The exam was surprisingly easy but i think that i made some mistakes, i was aware of them but i didn't care enough to fix them. At 1 pm , i went back to school to do the last part of the test, the talking. The subject was quite easy,the English speaking countries .At first i made intentionally several mistakes and i talked  and talked and in couple of minutes it was over. It was the best exam i 've ever taken .

mari-liis

M is for Mellow

A is for Astounding

R is for Rare

I is for Innocent

L is for Loud

I is for Ideal

I is for Important

S is for Spectacular

i can't live without it

there aren't many things that i need to have near me but there always has to be a pencil and a NOTEBOOK.
I have a fine collection of notebooks:

1. twilight journals
2. couple of spiral books designed by ed hardy ( they are so cool)
3. numerous spiral books from bookshops

 In a week or 2 ,i have to buy more notebooks.
Just thinking about a new notebook makes me exited .

Who made a fool of herself ? ME...WHY?

School was quite boring ,i found out that the diet i'm on is messing with my concentration .
Before i went to the studio ,i had an odd idea that messing up might be good for me and i thought that it could cure me from the paranoia.I thought that would make a little mistake on my performance but when it was my turn to sing, i changed my mind.I really should have been on the last rehearsal : when i started singing ,the volume of my voice was too loud, my ears still hurts and on high notes it was unbearable and then i had a thought that now is the time to make the mistake ,it's funny cause everything stupid that happens to me went through my mind just seconds before i do it .I find it very interesting but when the mistake came ,i felt so much better.It was like my shelf was destroyed. I hope that everyone in the room will remember it for years cause it was a bang , a bang named marilyse. Do i regret it... no

 I think it really helped me, i didn't care at all and i 'm quite happy and i think i will be mari-liis again .Marilyse was just a shelf ,i needed to protect myself . I've been playing marilyse for 4 years ,it's definitely difficult to be myself. I like to analyze people and i always saw the lonely girls and it like a mystery ,that i couldn't resist figuring out. Now that i' ve solved the riddle ,i can finally start a new chapter of Mari-Liis.

Unfortunately my ears hurt ,a lot ,even the quite computer noise is too loud, i hope that one of the didn't break (there is coming some kind of fluid), i will definitely go to the doctors tomorrow. 

a creeper behind a friendly smile?

Today was a very sleepy-looking day : at the end of the 7th lesson i was a zombie with a beating heart ,after that i  walked to the library and while doing that, i thought that i was being stalked. Soon when i was on my way to studio ,i looked back to assure myself that it's all in my head but the person in black was still behind me .I started walking faster and several meters away from the studio and heared that a person behind me was walking faster too, soon the mysterious person was only couple of centimeters away from me .I hoped that if i would walk as slow as i can, the person behind me would just walk ahead of me. Unfortunately it didn't happen: the person started talking to me like i was his friend and i think that this was the most awkward situation ever. The stranger wanted my phone number ,he didn't get it  :)  ( i was freaking out, for the obvious reasons)
 When i was in studio , i had to make a decision  : will i perform on a concert or not ,i hesitated cause i' m still hoping i will get the adrenaline rush while perform sadly it hasn't happened lately ,now it's just a bit different reality and a strange calmness .

quote

people make choices every day  and those choices are what defines us.

what a day

today ,while walking to school ,i thought that today will be just another normal looking day but no, it was something out of the ordinary for me: 2 first lessons were kinda awkward and boring ,it was a lesson about sexuality and stuff like that , there were only girls (B- class included).When it was over ,after the third lesson ,i thought that it would be ok if i would go home and grab a bite ( the recess is 20 minutes long) and watch tv. I'm not the kinda person who has keys with her (i loose them too often), usually i hide them near the building and voila ,problem solved. I searched the key for 20 minutes and i had several options

1. wait for somebody with a key and stay home and at the end of the school day go back to school and beg for my bag back.
   
2. wait for someone with a key and then quickly go online to see when the next lesson will be held.
3. go to school out of the blue and feel the judging stares that the security guard and the old women ,who walks around the ground floor.

The second option was the best and that's what i did. Thank god ( i actually begged god to bring a person with the key to me ) that my brother got upset at school and screamed at the teacher that she is an old witch - good job bro .After being outside for over an hour (it was quite cold) ,i was actually happy to see him. I ran upstairs and looked at the timetable : great ,the physic just started , today was a test).
Soon i was on my was to school ...again. I actually finished the test before the bell rang .The last lesson was music ,lately i don't enjoy it very much.we sang a bit ,then wrote a bit and soon the lesson was over but like the week before this ,i was the last student to leave the classroom behind.
I was on my was to singing studio ,soon a women said hello to me, it was the German teacher ,who always gives homework, she clearly wanted to know why she didn't see me in her class today .I murmured something about being locked up and when there was a person with a key ,i went to school ( it's nonsense ) and she looked at me with her skeptic stare and said '' well, i have nothing to say a out that'' , then i awkwardly stepped back and soon i turned my back on her and soon i was in singing studio .
it was very nice to sing for hours , i sang highway to hell several times ( the first one was better then the last one), after that i sang online couple of different songs : i can now sing songs that i couldn't sing many months ago , what a nice surprise. After that i sang couple of songs in Estonian and then i headed back to home.

finally

i finally i have a word that describes me perfectly - introvert.

WHO IS the INTROVERT?

she is someone ,who is energized by being alone and their energy is drained by being around other people ,that's why they need time to be by-herself to recharge .She is concerned with the inner world of the mind and she enjoys thinking and exploring her thoughts and feelings.

i made a list of who i am or what describes me the most ( it's a riddle for some people to figure me out )

1.Independent
2. Responsible
3. Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking
4. Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity
5. Loner
6.Don't Like People ( i'm not 100% interested in communication)
7.lack of social scills
8.Strong Ability To Concentrate
9.UNFRIENDLY
10.introvert

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6445K-XYHk

a jung test

the results were quite good, i'm INTJ.

what? why? when?

Today i woke up 30 minutes later than i was supposed to... '' nice''.
In a hurry i asked my mother to fill in the blanks on the paper that says  i'm out of singing studio but then she said that she won't sign it: I HAVE TO STAY IN SINGING STUDIO  
 The first lesson was physics and when it ended i wanted to scream and punch some walls: i' m a passive student ,i don't like to to solve assignments in front of the class... it's not the way i work .I was annoyed ,so i read the singing book and learned to sing rock ( it's soo cool and fun)
 Then i went to the studio and told the teacher that i will stay in the studio, she was quite surprised .In couple of hour i was back and i showed her my new technique : at first i showed her the song, she didn't think i could sing like that but when i sang the song to her she was impressed.I'm not finished i will gear up my voice a little bit.
 I 've decided to perform a mash up on a concert , this will be my big goodbye , i will leave but i will make sure i will be remembered.

why

for several days i wanted to write: yesterday i wrote a short story  (749 words) to my private blog ,it was kinda fun to write ,it so much pleasant to write in English. Today i wrote a bit more (617 words) and i think i will continue writing this story (it's kinda epic to write a story about vampires, i really like to write about killing people).  am i a sociopath ?

odd, i know

i've decided to do something weird : i'm going to say hi to people .

 Usually i just stare at the ground or give an evil eye to people who are laughing but tomarrow i will face my fears and thoughts by saying a cheerful hi to others.the minimum is 5 people (i can do way better than that).

why are you so paranoid?

Sometimes i feel like everyone knows something about me that i don't.
it bothers me that people are laughing (i do know how it sounds- crazy ), i actually think the subject is me.Every month i' m taking a test and the results are always the same: you are paranoid.
  Since yesterday i'm not sure of anything, it's like i have a new pair of eyes.it's like just yesterday it was 2006 and now... what have i done!!!

boo hoo

i quit the singing studio. At first i thought that i would regret it but i don't .The odd part is that i feel happy ,it's like i'm me again .I have cople of ideas what i would like to do but nothing 's certain .

my throat hurts and i'm full of optimism ... 

what the hell is going on?

i'm fine

i have difficulties with bonding with others. i think it's quite clear why i only DO smalltalk, mostly even that is awkward for me.i'm really ok with everything.i don't care much.

1. lack of remorse 
2. being antisocial 
3. negative viewpoint
4. paranoid
5. being constantly annoyed
6. holding grudges
7. coldness
8. low self-esteem
9. sensitivity for rejection and criticism 
10. being too self-conscious
11. i trust no one
12. i am moody

it 's me

i didn't expect that

poems make me feel like an angry emo. i do hate estonian , every time i leave that classroom i want to scream and commit suicide.

why ME

When i fell asleep yesterday i wouldn't of thought that i would be seeing a dream , a very bizarre dream. guess who i saw .... the jonas brothers. at first it was in a sunny place but then i went on a trip with some of the girls and there was joe, later when i was bored i went back to the bar where my little dream had begun.it was winter ,there were couple of hills ,i fell ,i checked my knee, it was alright... thank god.when i got  up and started walking back ,i saw joe again ,he said something goofy and ... i woke up.

i took it as a sign: i'm free...free of the past,pain and poisonous thoughts about others.Finally i got rid of it ,i feel soo much better now. the jb part is  quite creepy... i hope  i'm not obsessed.

psychologist

 i wasn't at school today... i was in tartu. It was the first time for me to talk to a Psychiatrists: she asked me some questions and at the end of the session she said that i might be depressed. my second appointment is in may.Then i will meet a psychologist AND a Psychiatrist.

burn memories, burn

 Today while watching a soap ( i know,i'm lame) ,i saw a woman burning a letter she wrote to a man .It gave me an idea: i would write a letter and then burn it.I was hoping that it would somehow make me feel better.

 When the letter was written, i was surprised of the amount of the anger .While burning the letter i felt like i can leave some of the memories behind .

(I'm trying  to leave the B class behind and start over cause lately i've felt the paranoia i used to feel when i was in B class: paranoia of the class B- anxiety,fear,delusion, feeling that everyone knows something about me that i don't ,it's like everyone is out to get me.Every stare i get is hostile.)

 

"Fear leads to anger, Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to Suffering."

I wrote about THEM and how much i hate them and how much i want to hit some of them. While writing about someone i remembered the incident i had in the 3-rd grade with a classmate: she bullied me and one day our teacher was away. While then i used to come to school an hour earlier, she was there and i was on my way to the computer class ,she was near the door and she started saying some insulting things to me , i remember getting mad at her and i lost the control of myself and then i pushed her.I was terrified of myself... i left school that day and after that i started skipping school and i started being late. After that the paranoia came, i thought that everyone hates me ,when someone said something critical about me i left the building.

my ****** school day

today the normal school day just turned into my worse nightmare... school edition!!!
my first lesson was math, the teacher said something about others reading our blogs and soo on.The recess was soo boring and when it ended i was clad that geography started.The next lesson was german... it's such a burden.She gives us way too much homework,we had a test today...again.physic was complicated... as always.art lesson is always making me angry, that teacher is always annoying .the lesson was held in one of the computer classes... it didn't work out well for me:the computer was damaged by somebody,in another words ,it didn't work and the teacher was like " are you sure you didn't push THE BUTTON" and she said it like i was retarded.(I KINDA HATE HER) .... i had to go to another  class where one of the scariest classes were doing their mhm, thing?... a very terrifying experience.
After the lesson ended i had to go and fix my grades in german.Soon the ex-classmates (who i hate) showed up and the giggles started,good work on annoying me, girls, or should i say monsters from my past.The last official lesson was estonian, every time they go somewhere, i have to guess cause NO ONE TELLS ME where to go.I had to stand at least 10 minutes cause i didn't show up on the right time.Then i was told that one of the computers is available  it was a generous of them to give me it but next time... i would really appreciate a chair too.some of my classmates (mostly kaisa ) were quite amused when i sat on the floor...I SAT ON THE FLOOR!!! I had to be at school for another hour :( i had to "fix" couple of my grades)
I'M SICK OF SCHOOL...


i really think that this is one of the most upsetting  days ever.

oh nooo

this singing contest was unfortunately a success for me.there will be another weekend ruined for me.

horrible... i think

today i had a new hairstyle, it is ...mhm ...serious.
It makes me 10 years older.
It kinda looks like someone puked grandma on my hair.(ha ha HA)

Today was a busy day.Most of the time i just walked... i do that ... a LOT.
too bad i'm paranoid: in mind,i still see myself falling and breaking my legs.the weird part is my reaction to these thoughts :i make faces... THEY ARE PRETTY NASTY.

i'm looking forward on Saturday.There is this girl , she sings like a choir girl and i want to see how she sings.I mean i've heard her singing before... she is quite ok, nothing special.She is always quietly singing to herself. I really want to see if she can actually make some noise.THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!! :)

what do i think about...

while going to school.

 the snow

i hate snow,specially now that it's going to melt.walking on the street seems to be one of the biggest mistakes i have to do.While walking to school i imagine what's going to happen in the next couple of minutes.usually i will fall down and my knee...it will twist in another direction.Then there will be the pain,it's irritating.the pain isn't so bad but the pain won't go away-that is the thing that makes me grazy. it will stay ,i will always remember how the pain felt. Every time it happens again i feel releved and horrofied at the same time... i didn't forget.

This is one of the reasons ,why i hate snow .
i hate accidents...

10 things

these things make me happy :

1. jewelry
2. clothes
3. make up
4. chocolate
5. good food
6. movies
7. music
8. a new haircut
9. twilight
10. nail polish

Personality Disorder

this week i was at home most of the time, i visited my dentist and throat doctor.I'm quite exited ,now that i know that my throat is ok, i can finally continue experimenting with singing techniques.I was supposed to be at home for 2 weeks but i'm going insane in here ,i have too much free time.So i'm going to school on Monday.

i took a  test today, a personality disorder test.
it says that i am very paranoid, narcissistic and

1. i have a schizoid personality disorder too- that means that

• i avoid relationships

• i don't show my emotions

• prefer to be alone.

• that means that i am a loner!!!

1. and antisocial personality disorder- that means that i have

• poor social skills

• i am impulsive and irresponsible ,

• also i might have some criminal behavior

• the treatment is highly difficult.

1. i have a Borderline Personality Disorder too, that means that i have

• mood swings

• anger issues

  • unstable relationships with others

    • suicidal 

• • 1. i have an Avoidant Personality Disorder,that means that i have 

    • fearful of being rejected 
    • worry about embarrassing myself in front of others
    • avoid social situations
    • low self-confidence
    • create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one
    • yearn for social relations yet feel i'm not unable to obtain them
    • Poor self-image
    • avoidance of new activities
    • self-involved and unfriendly
     
   

1. and dependent personality disorder

• tend to cling to people
• Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
• Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval

1. and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

• Need for perfection
• Lack of generosity
• Hyper-focus on details and rules
• avoid working in teams
• fear making mistakes 
• difficulty expressing emotion.

LATER I ASKED MY PARENTS IF THE TEST WAS RIGHT, THEY SAID THAT IT WAS.

me, crying ?

I was in Saaremaa, for the last couple of days.There was a singing contest,i was fine until i saw and heard her .That girl was THE most awful singer i 've ever heard. She ruined the song with her singing (and screaming).Soo ,guess who was going to sing the same song.After the song ended, i rushed to the classroom. Then there were frightened faces looking at me,they thought i was freaking out,which was true but i denied it. When it was my turn to go on the stage something happened.They decided to take a break.i got 20 extra minutes to calm myself down.When it was time to continue the contest, i asked a girl who was calling our names if i should go up and wait there.She hesitated cause she didn't know if others were doing some kind of performance at the start.i wasn't sure if i should wait up there but i did.I saw an empty stage ,i carefully went on the stage and then the song began.Soon it ended and when the contest had gone to an end .When i saw my teacher the first thing she asked me was if i was crying before i got on the stage.By the night i was annoyed cause people asked it again and again...

this week at school

it was one of the worst school week ever!!!

1) i barely talked to anyone
2) it was boring
3) there was homework
4) it was the most painful couple of days in my life... i mean literally, all because of my braces 

"Do not consider painful what is good for you."