too much

 i thought that i would get away with with skipping couple of events but my little plans failed,miserably .So i had to do the hand-holding thing, that i hated and my blood was a tasty snack to several bugs, what a nice way to spend a sunny day ( hold for sarcasm).

  I saw, heared someone who played a part of my me picture, i found out that nothing had changed , i'm still the insecure girl i was a year ago, i can't believe that another year had gone by.Every time i see that person, my world is damaged for months, it's like i'm desperately trying to be somebody else that the person would notice how different i am. I really don't care about the person, i just have putten my past on his face.I'm always competing ,the sad part is that the person i'm competing against, is me , a better version of me.

 I don't understand why but i really like these people ,that know that i'm listening and they are talking about me : this gives me an opportunity to see myself the way they see me. I'm really not a fan of the people ,who say things behind my back, i know that they have something to say but they won't reveal their thoughts about me, they just boil and that makes me impatient .Sometimes when i see some of them , i treat them the way they do with me, every stare and grimace on my face is a mirror of theirs.

over

the school is over for me, at least for several months. I'm quite glad that the school is over and i actually have a plan what i want to do.I'm not going to go to school on next friday because i'm lazy and i really don't want to waste my time.
I also should act like a new personality i want to work on ,it would be best to describe as casalise. I imagine that she is quite ambitious, exciting and very much alive.I should really make her a bit friendlier because i need every ounce of naive i've got. This way i can actually make myself more better at so many things.
  Today ,while walking to school ,i had another paranoid-looking feeling , it was very upsetting: a guy sat and i was passing him but he looked at me and the first thought was that he was going to follow me .it's weird that i see stalkers everywhere, i imagine that aren't really many stalkers ,i just made it up that they are stalkers.
 My fascination with vampires is getting to real ,i used to have a dream but now it's like i'm making some things up ,like i was bitten by a vampire but i can't get that dream out of my head .i really need to see that shrink again.
 Vampiree diaries are getting in my head and i actually think that it holy ,like i think of twilght. I've most likely seen way too many horror movies, that would explain like mhm...everything.

utterly obsessed

i started watching a tv-show called vampire diaries ,at first i thought that it totally lame but with first minutes it changed, now i'm in love with it. Like twilight ,it is special and dear to me , i will most likely buy the books too.
 When i watch it ,i feel  like my heart is aching and when i'm not watching it ,i'm longing to watch it again and again.
 i watched an episode of it and i feel like i'm going to cry.
it's like a drug to me ,now that i'm aware of vampire diaries , i can't stop thinking about it.
i'm such an emo.

what a torture

The whole exam was quite nerve-racking : i had to wake up at 6.30, it's too early for me.Soon i had to go to school and then the exam started. The exam was surprisingly easy but i think that i made some mistakes, i was aware of them but i didn't care enough to fix them. At 1 pm , i went back to school to do the last part of the test, the talking. The subject was quite easy,the English speaking countries .At first i made intentionally several mistakes and i talked  and talked and in couple of minutes it was over. It was the best exam i 've ever taken .

mari-liis

M is for Mellow

A is for Astounding

R is for Rare

I is for Innocent

L is for Loud

I is for Ideal

I is for Important

S is for Spectacular

i can't live without it

there aren't many things that i need to have near me but there always has to be a pencil and a NOTEBOOK.
I have a fine collection of notebooks:

1. twilight journals
2. couple of spiral books designed by ed hardy ( they are so cool)
3. numerous spiral books from bookshops

 In a week or 2 ,i have to buy more notebooks.
Just thinking about a new notebook makes me exited .

Who made a fool of herself ? ME...WHY?

School was quite boring ,i found out that the diet i'm on is messing with my concentration .
Before i went to the studio ,i had an odd idea that messing up might be good for me and i thought that it could cure me from the paranoia.I thought that would make a little mistake on my performance but when it was my turn to sing, i changed my mind.I really should have been on the last rehearsal : when i started singing ,the volume of my voice was too loud, my ears still hurts and on high notes it was unbearable and then i had a thought that now is the time to make the mistake ,it's funny cause everything stupid that happens to me went through my mind just seconds before i do it .I find it very interesting but when the mistake came ,i felt so much better.It was like my shelf was destroyed. I hope that everyone in the room will remember it for years cause it was a bang , a bang named marilyse. Do i regret it... no

 I think it really helped me, i didn't care at all and i 'm quite happy and i think i will be mari-liis again .Marilyse was just a shelf ,i needed to protect myself . I've been playing marilyse for 4 years ,it's definitely difficult to be myself. I like to analyze people and i always saw the lonely girls and it like a mystery ,that i couldn't resist figuring out. Now that i' ve solved the riddle ,i can finally start a new chapter of Mari-Liis.

Unfortunately my ears hurt ,a lot ,even the quite computer noise is too loud, i hope that one of the didn't break (there is coming some kind of fluid), i will definitely go to the doctors tomorrow. 

a creeper behind a friendly smile?

Today was a very sleepy-looking day : at the end of the 7th lesson i was a zombie with a beating heart ,after that i  walked to the library and while doing that, i thought that i was being stalked. Soon when i was on my way to studio ,i looked back to assure myself that it's all in my head but the person in black was still behind me .I started walking faster and several meters away from the studio and heared that a person behind me was walking faster too, soon the mysterious person was only couple of centimeters away from me .I hoped that if i would walk as slow as i can, the person behind me would just walk ahead of me. Unfortunately it didn't happen: the person started talking to me like i was his friend and i think that this was the most awkward situation ever. The stranger wanted my phone number ,he didn't get it  :)  ( i was freaking out, for the obvious reasons)
 When i was in studio , i had to make a decision  : will i perform on a concert or not ,i hesitated cause i' m still hoping i will get the adrenaline rush while perform sadly it hasn't happened lately ,now it's just a bit different reality and a strange calmness .

quote

people make choices every day  and those choices are what defines us.

what a day

today ,while walking to school ,i thought that today will be just another normal looking day but no, it was something out of the ordinary for me: 2 first lessons were kinda awkward and boring ,it was a lesson about sexuality and stuff like that , there were only girls (B- class included).When it was over ,after the third lesson ,i thought that it would be ok if i would go home and grab a bite ( the recess is 20 minutes long) and watch tv. I'm not the kinda person who has keys with her (i loose them too often), usually i hide them near the building and voila ,problem solved. I searched the key for 20 minutes and i had several options

1. wait for somebody with a key and stay home and at the end of the school day go back to school and beg for my bag back.
   
2. wait for someone with a key and then quickly go online to see when the next lesson will be held.
3. go to school out of the blue and feel the judging stares that the security guard and the old women ,who walks around the ground floor.

The second option was the best and that's what i did. Thank god ( i actually begged god to bring a person with the key to me ) that my brother got upset at school and screamed at the teacher that she is an old witch - good job bro .After being outside for over an hour (it was quite cold) ,i was actually happy to see him. I ran upstairs and looked at the timetable : great ,the physic just started , today was a test).
Soon i was on my was to school ...again. I actually finished the test before the bell rang .The last lesson was music ,lately i don't enjoy it very much.we sang a bit ,then wrote a bit and soon the lesson was over but like the week before this ,i was the last student to leave the classroom behind.
I was on my was to singing studio ,soon a women said hello to me, it was the German teacher ,who always gives homework, she clearly wanted to know why she didn't see me in her class today .I murmured something about being locked up and when there was a person with a key ,i went to school ( it's nonsense ) and she looked at me with her skeptic stare and said '' well, i have nothing to say a out that'' , then i awkwardly stepped back and soon i turned my back on her and soon i was in singing studio .
it was very nice to sing for hours , i sang highway to hell several times ( the first one was better then the last one), after that i sang online couple of different songs : i can now sing songs that i couldn't sing many months ago , what a nice surprise. After that i sang couple of songs in Estonian and then i headed back to home.

finally

i finally i have a word that describes me perfectly - introvert.

WHO IS the INTROVERT?

she is someone ,who is energized by being alone and their energy is drained by being around other people ,that's why they need time to be by-herself to recharge .She is concerned with the inner world of the mind and she enjoys thinking and exploring her thoughts and feelings.

i made a list of who i am or what describes me the most ( it's a riddle for some people to figure me out )

1.Independent
2. Responsible
3. Creative, Out-of-the-Box thinking
4. Analytical Skills That Integrate Complexity
5. Loner
6.Don't Like People ( i'm not 100% interested in communication)
7.lack of social scills
8.Strong Ability To Concentrate
9.UNFRIENDLY
10.introvert

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6445K-XYHk

a jung test

the results were quite good, i'm INTJ.