burn memories, burn

 Today while watching a soap ( i know,i'm lame) ,i saw a woman burning a letter she wrote to a man .It gave me an idea: i would write a letter and then burn it.I was hoping that it would somehow make me feel better.

 When the letter was written, i was surprised of the amount of the anger .While burning the letter i felt like i can leave some of the memories behind .

(I'm trying  to leave the B class behind and start over cause lately i've felt the paranoia i used to feel when i was in B class: paranoia of the class B- anxiety,fear,delusion, feeling that everyone knows something about me that i don't ,it's like everyone is out to get me.Every stare i get is hostile.)

 

"Fear leads to anger, Anger leads to hate, Hate leads to Suffering."

I wrote about THEM and how much i hate them and how much i want to hit some of them. While writing about someone i remembered the incident i had in the 3-rd grade with a classmate: she bullied me and one day our teacher was away. While then i used to come to school an hour earlier, she was there and i was on my way to the computer class ,she was near the door and she started saying some insulting things to me , i remember getting mad at her and i lost the control of myself and then i pushed her.I was terrified of myself... i left school that day and after that i started skipping school and i started being late. After that the paranoia came, i thought that everyone hates me ,when someone said something critical about me i left the building.

my ****** school day

today the normal school day just turned into my worse nightmare... school edition!!!
my first lesson was math, the teacher said something about others reading our blogs and soo on.The recess was soo boring and when it ended i was clad that geography started.The next lesson was german... it's such a burden.She gives us way too much homework,we had a test today...again.physic was complicated... as always.art lesson is always making me angry, that teacher is always annoying .the lesson was held in one of the computer classes... it didn't work out well for me:the computer was damaged by somebody,in another words ,it didn't work and the teacher was like " are you sure you didn't push THE BUTTON" and she said it like i was retarded.(I KINDA HATE HER) .... i had to go to another  class where one of the scariest classes were doing their mhm, thing?... a very terrifying experience.
After the lesson ended i had to go and fix my grades in german.Soon the ex-classmates (who i hate) showed up and the giggles started,good work on annoying me, girls, or should i say monsters from my past.The last official lesson was estonian, every time they go somewhere, i have to guess cause NO ONE TELLS ME where to go.I had to stand at least 10 minutes cause i didn't show up on the right time.Then i was told that one of the computers is available  it was a generous of them to give me it but next time... i would really appreciate a chair too.some of my classmates (mostly kaisa ) were quite amused when i sat on the floor...I SAT ON THE FLOOR!!! I had to be at school for another hour :( i had to "fix" couple of my grades)
I'M SICK OF SCHOOL...


i really think that this is one of the most upsetting  days ever.

oh nooo

this singing contest was unfortunately a success for me.there will be another weekend ruined for me.

horrible... i think

today i had a new hairstyle, it is ...mhm ...serious.
It makes me 10 years older.
It kinda looks like someone puked grandma on my hair.(ha ha HA)

Today was a busy day.Most of the time i just walked... i do that ... a LOT.
too bad i'm paranoid: in mind,i still see myself falling and breaking my legs.the weird part is my reaction to these thoughts :i make faces... THEY ARE PRETTY NASTY.

i'm looking forward on Saturday.There is this girl , she sings like a choir girl and i want to see how she sings.I mean i've heard her singing before... she is quite ok, nothing special.She is always quietly singing to herself. I really want to see if she can actually make some noise.THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!! :)

what do i think about...

while going to school.

 the snow

i hate snow,specially now that it's going to melt.walking on the street seems to be one of the biggest mistakes i have to do.While walking to school i imagine what's going to happen in the next couple of minutes.usually i will fall down and my knee...it will twist in another direction.Then there will be the pain,it's irritating.the pain isn't so bad but the pain won't go away-that is the thing that makes me grazy. it will stay ,i will always remember how the pain felt. Every time it happens again i feel releved and horrofied at the same time... i didn't forget.

This is one of the reasons ,why i hate snow .
i hate accidents...